creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
User talk:Weerd101
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Welcome to Funland page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Jay ten (talk) 15:50, June 6, 2015 (UTC) Hi, could you go onto writers workshop and review my story Todd's Survival? Thanks. --Christopher Michael Richardson (talk) 15:59, June 6, 2015 (UTC) RE: Review Request Hi, I will take a look at your story tomorrow. By the way, when you are leaving a message on someone's talk page, you should write ~~~~ at the end of the message to sign it. If you don't, the person won't know who messaged him. MrDupin (talk) 17:12, June 6, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:50, June 7, 2015 (UTC) :No, it was deleted because there were a number of issues with the story line. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:58, June 7, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story The story is being told in past perspective from a man in prison moments before his death. How exactly was he writing that as I don't think prison cells have computers or allow prisoners to bring in phones/writing implements. Additionally lines like this seem to imply much more tie has passed. "In March of the year that I planned to retire, however, that changed." It seems kind of off that four kids would be having a ritual right after school on school grounds with only one person hearing it. "The yells came from Bryce. He was on the floor in the center of a glowing red pentagram." Also what is the purpose of the ritual again? Wording issues: "I walked in and the sight I saw was horrific" "sight" and "saw" really imply the same thing and come off as redundant. Dialogue should be spaced out so that two speakers are never talking in the same paragraph. "“Angelica,” I called, “Here,” she said back.", "“What’s going on,” I asked the officer that was there. “You killed a little boy sicko(comma missing) that’s what’s going on,” he replied. “What,”" Additionally thoughts should really be in italics to distinguish them from dialogue. The ending also needs some work. It shifts perspectives suddenly and needs more build up. "The lead detective turned the lights back on. “These were the last words he wrote before he died with blood coming out of his eyes and ears,” she said, “these are thought to be self-inflicted wounds. So, without further ado I declare this case officially closed.” ("So without further adieu" seems like an odd turn of phrase for a deceptive report.) The file was put into the box labeled B. It was put onto the storage shelf and was never seen again." It comes off as anti-climactic. What was the purpose of the ritual? How did he die in holding without anyone seeing? Why were his wounds thought to be self-inflicted? :Empyre covered everything I could have said. I suggest you rewrite the story before I review it, so that I can give you more meaningful feedback. MrDupin (talk) 22:27, June 7, 2015 (UTC)